A Lightbulb Moment

I think this whole time, I’ve been looking for someone to prove me wrong.

Way Back Playbacks

Lately, I’ve been bumping to a lot of Aaliyah songs. I still remember when I was in middle school, how I would borrow my friend’s Aaliyah cd and record it onto a cassette on my ghettoblaster (which I still have). Or how the day I found out she past away I cried in the car and went out and bought the Romeo Must Die soundtrack because none of her cds were available. Or how I kept her songs on repeat while I write down the lyrics on my whiteboard. Or how I watched numerous interviews, music videos and performances by her. Or how Rock the Boat was the number 1 music video for 65 weeks and I still watched it everyday when I came home from school.

She was beautiful, she was young and she was talented. She never tried to be sexy or cover up her talent by using smoke-show techniques. All she needed was a few dancers, back-up singers, a band and a stage. She will always be missed!

Reminisce

I’m one of those people who keeps everything. Some may call it clutter, but I find sentimental value in every little thing. Old movie stubs, empty water bottles, candy wrappers, kinder suprise toys, dried flowers etc. etc. Even my computer is filled with folders of memories, old conversation logs, drawings, and pictures.

I’ve been going through my computer lately, reminiscing about the past, and it felt really nice to know that I’ve had many (good or bad) experiences behind me. Then I came home this weekend and looked around the room that I grew up in. Flowers that have been collected since I was 16, old boyfriend boxes, post-it notes, yearbook messages, and everything that came to define who I am today all tucked away in boxes in the back of my closet or displayed on my bookshelf, desk, and  bulletin board. Memories that were forgotten, rekindled, and remembered that brought a smile to my face. Conversations I thought I had forgotten replayed again in my head.

So I actively contacted someone from my past today. Someone who’s always made me feel valued and loved. Someone younger whom I’ve always seen as a little kid, cute, naive, and innocent. Only to find out that he’s really all grown up now, and probably hate the fact that I still see him in those eyes. Maybe I did it because I wanted to see if we still had the same connection we did back when we were in highschool even though circumstances around us has changed immensely. They say the only constant thing in this world is change. I guess I just wanted our connection to stay the same even though we’ve both different now.

Tis the Season!

Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree…

Relieved

It feels good to take control of my heart again.

Nothing

I keep web surfing. Cocoperez, Perezhilton, Facebook.
Scrolling and reading, but not really soaking it in. I guess you can call it blindly skimming.
I feel nothing. But my heart physically hurts, like this uncomfortable feeling. Like when you’re swallowing something with a dry throat. Like when you’re holding your breath underwater until you can’t focus anymore. Like when you eat too much fried chicken and you feel it clogging your arteries. That feeling.

And I sit here wondering when it will go away.

I just re-read old xanga and blogspot posts and I always seem to fall into a break-up pattern. Like re-watching the Sex and the City series, getting a haircut, cleaning up my room, putting everything sentimental in a box, and blogging. I finally realized that the hardest part of breaking up is picturing the other person sharing your once hopeful future with somebody else. Knowing that you’re not “The One.” Knowing that you’re replaceable, as simple as that.

Shouldn’t people be immune to this bullshit by now? The older you get, the more heartbreaks there are, the easier it should be! No? I guess if it doesn’t hurt, then it never really meant anything to you. I find that after a couple of days, when everything sets in, I always do a blog about the memories I’ll always carry with me.

Here’s an exerpt from boyfriend #2:
I wonder if I still know you anymore. Still know your little habits, your routines. The way you gel your hair and put on your cologne in the morning. Your scent still lingers with me. I will always remember the way you smell. The spot that makes you get goosebumps all down your back. The way you write.

Boyfriend #3:
I think winter will always remind me of you. Especially snow. and skating. and Love in this club part I and II. Mariah’s album E=MC2, walks downtown. Dave and Busters. Richmond hill. Uptown. Chess. Whenever I get sick. The fifth. Cranium. Kisses on the nose and late night secrets. Many songs by Jack Johnson, Alicia Keys. Little sisters and family love. Avacados and mangos. Guitar Hero and Brawl. A lot of things.

When I reread these, I find that those memories were only revived when I was reading them, cause they’ve already been replaced by new memories. I guess that’s how life is, there’s always a turnover of memories. What I’d like to remember from this experience is that it wasn’t that this guy was so different from all the other ones. In fact, he was a pretty great mesh-up of everyone I’ve ever dated. It was me who was different. I felt it in my core. It might’ve been because I’m growing up, or it might’ve been because of him. I really don’t know at this point. But it’s nice to know that there’s someone out there that can change a stubborn girl like me, even if it was subtle. It’s also nice to know that I’m capable of change.

Tonight had been a sleepless night, and I know that there will be many more to come. Sucks that it had to be so close to the holidays but there’s no point in dragging anything on for whatever selfish reasons there are. Maybe I was wrong about it never really getting any easier as you age. I know what not to do right after a break up that will make me regret it the next day. I know who to turn to whenever I need someone to lean on. I know that it’s okay to indulge in guilty memories as much as possible to get it over and done with. I know what works for me best during a break up.
I guess that’s really the best thing I can hope for right now.

I Once Dated…

a girl named Christine.

I found this blog a year ago and it is the most touching story ever!
Enjoy!

Scars

I came upon this wonderful blog that really represents how I’ve been feeling lately.
You can check out the blog here.

I love my scars, both the ones you can see and the ones you can’t. Every bruise I’ve earned, body and soul, gives empirical evidence that I’ve lived; I’ve loved. Some scars I readily admit are deserved; I’ve loved foolishly at times and been emotionally accident-prone. Sometimes I’ve been outright reckless with my heart, but my scars remind me that, even when I lost, I fought for what I desired.

I’m proud of the fact that being hurt hasn’t made me skittish. Nothing great in life is accomplished by timidity, and loving and letting yourself be loved after you’ve been scarred takes real courage. Becoming emotionally inaccessible is a sure way to deflect some sorrows, but you will sacrifice an equal amount of joy in the process. It’s impossible for love to grow in the shadow cast by fear of being hurt.

I love the fact that I can now laugh at wounds I thought would never heal. This offers hope that wounds that are still open might someday also become a source of amusement. My scars offer defiance, unwritten affidavits of the heart’s healing power. I’m learning to embrace the intractable honesty of my scars as the metaphysical narrative of my life, declarations that I’ve loved, I’ve lost, and I’ll love yet again. I’m trying to display them with pride, to recount in detail when and how they came to be, because we all need to be reminded of our own regenerative capacity, and sharing stories engages a collective healing process. Everyone in the world has stories to tell.

And behind every story, there’s a scar.
-J. Summers

Lessons Never Learned

You know how they say people always make the same mistakes over and over again?
Well, I think I’m one of those people. In fact, I’ve made the same mistakes so many time that I don’t even know why I never learn from them. It’s a little bit like self-sabotage. There are 2 mistakes that sticks out from my mind.

1) Procrastination
I believe I am the queen of procrastination. It probably comes from early childhood work ethics that I never bothered to care about. Yes, I am one of those people who wait until the last possible minute to finish an assignment that was handed out (insert random number) weeks ago. Or start studying the night/a couple of hours before a test that was announced (insert random number) weeks ago. How am I not on academic probation? I will never know. So every year since as long as I can remember, I tell myself: Ok, you’re gonna be different this time around, you’re gonna start your assignment at least a week ahead of time. You’re gonna study at least a week ahead of time. Does this work? Nope. Then I think of an easier, alternative method such as telling myself that I’m gonna do one page a day, or read one article a day until my due date. Does that work? Nope. I find myself pulling all-nighters over and over again, writing one page per hour until the last possible minute or skipping to the end of the article where they summarize everything they talk about in about 2 paragraphs. But I guess it’s all part of the university experience.

2) Break up and Make up
I think many people have at least gone through one relationship where they continuously break up and then make up in the next 24 hours, 48 hours max. Sadly, this is the second time I’m going through this. I told myself after the first relationship was officially over that I will never jump into that kind of relationship again. Cause honestly, it’s just a waste of energy and emotions. But here I am, dealing with the same situation over and over again, never able to freely walk away. My ex-boyfriend described it as a hole we dug for ourselves. We got into such a deep hole that we couldn’t climb out of it anymore, and he struggled to climb out of it first before I got out of it on my own, which took a very long time. So with all these experiences under my belt, I still find myself giving in each and every single time my current boyfriend and I have a huge break-up fight. Maybe it’s empathy, maybe its emotions but I can never seem to call it quits. They say you always date the same person (metaphorically) over and over again. So if I date the same person over and over again, and the same issues arise, and you get burned the first time, wouldn’t you be able to avoid it the second time around and learn from your mistakes the first time? Nope, not I.

Sometimes, I feel like I just need a huge slap in the face.
Would anyone like to do the honours?

That Phase

You know that phase in a relationship where you want to spend all your time with them even when you’re busy and have assignments due in 3 consecutive weeks but you don’t want to leave their side and lie when they ask whether you have any work that’s due soon?

Yeah, I’m currently in that unfortunate phase.
And it’s probably why I haven’t been blogging in awhile either.
Sometimes it’s so hard to maintain your normal life schedule at the start of a brand new relationship. Plans get delayed, work becomes overdue, and you find yourself laying in bed for 36 hours with them unable to peel yourself off. I’ll admit that this is not the first time I’ve been in that phase. As much as I would like to keep my life the same, it isn’t anymore. It’s always hard to balance your time when you’ve gotten so used to something for so long and then enters this new figure in your life that you have to make time and effort for. But I’m not complaining, only because I know that I don’t have enough self-discipline to say no. My heart has always overruled my head in that sense. But I can’t really help myself.